Hawaii: Day 3; Dolphins

This afternoon we celebrated Emily's 6th Birthday. Coming to Hawaii was actually the first time I had the pleasure of meeting Emily. She's a very sweet little girl. Her birthday party was at a resort that reminded me of seaworld but it was much smaller and more intimate. You get a lot closer to the animals. It was a really nice time, and I even got to touch a dolphin. However, I've forgotten how exhausting kids parties are. I was really worn out. I think how worn out I was came across as boredom or that I was sad or something.

Sarah had even asked me why the long face. I didn't even notice that I'd looked down at all. I guess I am a little down though, and even being in Paradise and viewing all of these incredible places, it is still a little hard to let myself enjoy it. I think a lot of the time I am sad, but more often than not, what I don't allow myself to really believe is that I am angry. I think I try to hide my anger from myself, because I don't want to be an angry or resentful person. But if I am, I just need to be accountable for it. I don't want to be angry, but I think I am a little bit, and I also think that I worry too much. But this is the person that I've become, how do you change when it's all you've come to know?

At some point today it was implied that I may have what is called survivors guilt. The best was to explain it is with an analogy. There is a car accident and everyone dies, except you. You end up feeling guilty that everyone else has passed and you are still alive. There are a lot of bad things that have happened in my life, some very tough situations, and I feel like I've been beat down and have come back swinging. I'm a survivor. I know that, and I am not only surviving but thriving, but I do feel a bit of guilt with it. I am an utter mess of conflicting emotions and trying to sort through all of them and accept and deal with each of them is no easy task. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, without even really bothering to look at heavy my own baggage has become. I think it is about time that I lighten the load and start casting away some of the things that have been weighing me down. Especially, my guilt.